I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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