I'm going to jail i love you
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
