probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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