Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
