Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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