I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
