If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
