Do you still have your period?
My sheets look like a crime scene.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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