Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
