You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
