My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
