he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
