I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
