haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
