I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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