Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
