mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
