I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
