if you like me you must not know who I am
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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