I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize