so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
