Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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