I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The air was thick with penises
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Randomize
