i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
