Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
