I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize