everyone is single if you try hard enough
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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