Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
