Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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