omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
