Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
