he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize