FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
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