I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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