why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
