It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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