Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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