Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
