In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
