she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
