Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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