dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
