saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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