When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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