What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
