the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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