I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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