$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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