So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
