Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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