Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
