I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
