i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
The struggles of a small town man whore
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
