I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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