Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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