My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
