i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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