You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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