There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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