matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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